“Roses are red, violets are blue, I pooped in my diaper and all over you”
So it’s nearly Valentine’s Day. Whilst I have been reading all these posts about craft ideas to do with the kids, gifts to purchase for your significant other, experiences to enjoy with your family or partner, I just laugh out loud.
I am a realist.
No such thing will happen on Valentine’s Day.
Whilst most “significant others” will receive flowers, chocolates, breakfast in bed, lunch, dinner, cards, gifts (whether handmade or purchased) or, gosh, any small token to mark the occasion I, on the other hand, will receive nothing of the sort. Instead my gifts will go a little something like this:
A card: If I don’t make the card then no card will be received. I render it useless to make my own card with the kids because honestly I cannot face the thought of red glitter being found in every corner of the house for weeks on end and looking like a Christmas tree (glitter always finds its way to my face) nor can I face the thought of red and pink coloured couches (washable markers or not).
Besides, if my daughter could write a card to me on Valentines Day to express how much she loves me it would go something like this:
Roses are red, violets are blue, I pooped in my diaper and all over you.
No, no; I don’t need that reminder.
Whereas if my son wrote a card to me it would go something like this:
Roses are red, violets are blue, I ate all the candy and the joke is on you.
So no, no card this year.
Breakfast in bed: If you mean waking up at 5.00 am by my daughter who still co-sleeps with me (because NO amount of sleeping training will change that for the foreseeable future), making a bottle of milk for her and having a whole bunch of formula spill all over the bed because my eyes are still pinned shut at ridiculous o’clock (I miscalculate the circumference of the bottle every time), then yes, I will have breakfast in bed!
Flowers: If you mean a beautiful bouquet of handpicked flowers from the unique species know as “Kleenex” then yes. In addition, the kids will be sure to scatter those ‘petals’ all over the floor as a big romantic gesture of their love to me.
Yes, I will receive flowers. In fact, I received them early this year.
Kisses: If you count the little one biting you because you have become the newest teether and that your elbow or knee require medical attention, then yes, I will receive kisses. Slobbery ones. I am even luckier to have matching love bites!
Chocolates: Since my son has been working hard these past six months to ensure that his newfound career as chocolate and candy thief hits an all time high (his job promotion imminent, due any day now) I will actually request this year that no chocolates are brought into the house. I will forge the joys of cocoa and gooey salted caramel. Sigh. Instead I will pile a whole heap of tofu claim its ‘milk chocolate’ and hope that he never wants to eat chocolate again.
Dinner: My romantic three course meal will consist of left over vegetables which the kids refuse to eat, half eaten organic pieces of chicken (because they deserve the best and I, well, I just don’t) and my secret stash of Bounty’s for dessert (which is hidden for emergencies).
A bespoke Valentine experience: I mean, after receiving all those amazing gifts, the only ‘Valentine’s Day experience’ I will enjoy will be sitting on the bathroom floor, contemplating life, praying that bed time comes around quickly and trying intensely to remember to breathe and that I love my kids…
Where is daddy I here you ask? Conveniently he doesn’t believe in a celebrating “a day created by retailers to force people to spend more money”.
Happy Valentine’s Day everyone!
I really hope ‘cupid’ just cleans the house and lets mummy sleep-in this year (oh wait, it’s a work day). Tears
Would love to hear what gifts make or break your day…..